It Only Hurts So Much Because There is so Much Love

We just said goodbye to my Mom and Finn, our first visitors from home and, well, my Mom.  I can’t express how good it was to have my Mama here.  For the first time in my life I’m living someplace that people simply cannot imagine if they haven’t been here.  And it felt so good to be able to share it with my Mom, to have someone see where we live and what our life here is like.  Somehow I found deep comfort in that. 

Mom has never wanted to visit India.  It was hard to convince her to come.  At first she said she wasn’t going to, and I was crushed.  I told her I was crushed, and she made it happen.  Then I was so nervous to have them.  I was worried that it would be hard on them to be here and that the travel would be too hard.  Getting around here is also hard.  But Mom was amazing!  She saw beauty everywhere, even where I just still often can’t see past the dust and the dirt.  She was in awe of the different ways people live and she simply absorbed everything.  They weathered a 6 hour car ride to Aurangabad to visit some ancient caves and temples, and she stayed with the kids so I could run out in a strange city to find a new hotel and arrange lodging for my driver after our first arrangement proved inhabitable.  She rode all over the city, visited George’s far away school 3 times and both of Grace and Alex’s even more.

I’ve never traveled with my Mom outside the United States, and have always known she was a strong woman.  I should have realized how adventurous she really was, after all she and Dad had done some really interesting travel, like taking an old Russian fishing boat as a cruise through the South Pacific, and exploring China for a month.  Finn was not so adventurous, and really disliked being in the car (it is no fun) for long periods, and is not an adventurous eater.  Luckily he enjoyed our house and terraces so much that he was happy just staying home.  So Mom and I went out a lot just the two of us (plus Sushil, my driver).  I don’t think I could count the times each day Mom said, “Your dad would have loved this” or “Your dad would have wanted to paint everything here.”  There is such comfort to be found in hearing mom talk about Dad and miss him, and want to share experiences with him still, even as she has found such joy and love with Finn.

I often feel Dad here with me.  It’s funny that in a place so different from anything I ever experienced with him, I feel him with me so much.  I think it’s because life is harder for me here, and often lonelier.  Dad was always there for me, so I bring him with me even still.  So much of the scenery here, I can actually feel him aching to paint it.  I want to share it with him like I did with mom.  I have to believe that I am sharing it with him, every time I feel him with me.

The other day I had a very painful morning.  Alexander and Grace have changed school because the 2 hour round trip commute to their last school was beginning to take a terrible toll, especially on Alexander.  So we started the new school and I was worried that it might not work for Alexander-he had the best teacher at his last school, someone who just saw his brilliance and his beauty and reveled in his difference.  Grace and Alex went two days to the new school, then we went on a road trip and missed four days, then they started again on Monday.  Their new teacher, Pinky, was trying so hard to welcome us, and to please me, that she was exuberant in her welcome.  She tried so hard to include Alex that she was leaving all the other students to come up to us, where Alex was struggling with me leaving, and she got in between us to ask him to join, and just was loud and close and pushy-in a way that works great for Grace and for lots of other kids, but is REALLY wrong for Alex.  I asked her to give us some space and to give him some time, but she just didn’t get it.  I took him, crying, into the hallway to cuddle and talk.  Every minute someone would come interrupt us to ask, “What happened?!”  They really don’t like kids to cry here.  I sat with him and did some exercises, tipping him quickly upside down and then having him pull himself up.  This helps regulate him and had him laughing, until Pinky came out into the hall to try to get him to come in and join them.  

I finally did leave him there, crying, but I was a wreck, so worried he’d be a complete mess that night when he got home to the safety of me.  My heart hurt, the way only a Mom’s heart can when she is worried about her child.  I stopped by the Principals office to explain my fear and let her know I wasn’t sure this school would work for Alex.  And I cried-which made me mad.  She assured me she’d make it work, and we scheduled a meeting for us and the teacher, but I left the school frightened, upset, and worried, with a big crack in my heart.  I cried all the way home and was so thankful to get home and get a big hug from my mom.  She’s read everything I’ve pointed her to, to help her understand autism and Alexander, and she is so supportive now.  So I got my hug, we got in the car and headed out to visit an outdoor market.  I started crying again in the car and suddenly I felt Dad there with me, his arm around my shoulder, giving me a squeeze, saying, “Ahh, honey” in that way that made me know how much he cared, even if he didn’t fully understand.

 

So today as I say goodbye to my Mom, I remind myself of the lesson I learned when my Dad died-that it only hurts so much because there is so much love.  And I give thanks that I have so much love, no matter how far away it may be.